SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH – How being true to myself and finding my voice saved my thyroid

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Hello All 🙂

So as you know most all of this blog has been about how a change in diet saved my thyroid. I am now realizing that it wasn’t JUST the diet, but SPEAKING MY TRUTH was just as effective in clearing any and all of the negative energy I was storing in my throat chakra, and subsequentlly, my thyroid.

For those of you who don’t know about chakras I advise you to do a little research as I don’t want to get into “what a chakra is” in this post. 

Since I was 19, I have suffered from BULIMIA and DRUG ADDICTION. The bulimia stemmed from pure self-hatred, for no other reason than I am a perfectionist, and I could not forgive myself for f*cking up my life (rather I led myself to believe I f*cked up my life by choosing food, alcohol and/or drugs to cope with stress instead of just dealing with everything life handed to me).

I didn’t want to write about this before, cause who wants to bring up all of their shit and post it on the internet for the world to see? Surely not me. However, in the past few months I have gone through SO MANY CHANGES, I felt like I was doing a disservice by withholding this information about my past. I had so much shame, regret, and disgust for myself, I couldn’t admit my struggles without feeling like I was going to be judged, because ultimately I was judging MYSELF.

Months 3 through 7 of this diet were f*cking horrible. The restriction triggered bingeing, and I fell into a pattern I couldn’t break out of. It had been years since I had been in a binge/purge cycle like that, and it was just downright embarrassing. I didn’t want to admit that I needed help. I couldn’t even admit that I needed help. So instead of reaching out I ate and puked (not vegan, mind you) fast food every night for almost 4 months. I stayed up all night and slept from noon til 6pm every day. I drank in the morning. I basically drank until I passed out. I can admit this now because this is THE LAST TIME I am ever putting myself through that hell again.

Of course since I was hiding this from everyone (including my boyfriend, who I was living with), no one was able to help me, and I continued to lie to everyone’s face and profess that I was “fine”. I was not fine. Nothing about months 3 through 7 were fine. Thank God I dragged myself out of it. I don’t know how, I don’t even really know when. I just came to a point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And decided to help myself.

I went back to eating only vegan foods, but I allowed myself to eat bread, soy, and sugar. It was the only way I could be OK with the diet and not feel like I was depriving myself.

Throughout this time I stopped taking all of the supplements, because I was seeing them come back up in my vomit (gross, I know) and I felt like I was throwing money down the drain (I already WAS throwing money down the drain but it’s easier for me to justify throwing up McDonald’s than throwing up expensive supplements).

Almost immediately I started getting better. I stopped focusing ALL OF MY ATTENTION on food and started focusing on healing. I got out of the house, got a job, got 3 actually, and stopped feeling sorry for myself. Having money in my pocket and getting out of my head really helped re-build my self-esteem. So as my esteem built, I gained more confidence, started making friends, started singing again, started wearing clothes that were actually brightly colored and not black, etc.

All of this happened very quickly, almost too quickly. Before I knew it, I was happy. And I was Shauna again. Happy, loud, exuberant, crazy, silly, ridiculous Shauna. Unfortunately this was not the person I had become during my relationship. I had a really bad pattern of choosing assholes who treated me like garbage – basically because I was treating myself like garbage, so why should I expect anyone to treat me differently? My (now ex-) boyfriend was the nicest guy I had ever met, he was so amazing, and I changed for him. I became the person he wanted to have a relationship with, unknowing that that person was NOT in alignment with my true self. He wanted a housewife, someone who blended into the background, who stayed home and cooked dinner, who never went out or even thought of going out or doing anything without him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but that is NOT who I am. I am crazy. I am very alternative. I am extremely self-aware. I am a Leo! I am a drama queen. I LOVE being the center of attention. I LOVE standing out. And I want to have a career as a musician. Which means I won’t be home every night to cook dinner. I am unconventional. And there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I am who I am. I LOVE who I am. And I’m sick of changing myself. No one ever even asked me too! I just didn’t love myself enough to realize I was in a toxic relationship. Don’t get me wrong, this is NOT my ex’s fault, he did nothing wrong. He clearly stated what he wanted when we first started dating. I just wasn’t strong enough to tell him that in my heart, I wasn’t really any of the things he wanted. It took me 4 years to realize that. And he is NOT the first guy I’ve changed for. I did it with EVERY GUY I ever dated. I’m the f*cked up one. Not him.

So there you have it, THE REAL TRUTH. I can only admit it now because I FINALLY don’t give a shit if you don’t like me after reading all of that. That is my truth. I am done being a people pleaser. It got me NOWHERE. 

SO, after I realized all of this I moved out, quit my job, quit everything that wasn’t in alignment with what I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN I HAVE WANTED – to be a rock star. And I’m good. I’m a great writer. My original songs are f*cking awesome. And I’m finally letting them come out instead of stuffing them down and puking them out.

Today, I have never felt better, and I don’t feel the slightest bit sick.

I am going to get my labs done in in a few weeks, I will post the results as soon as I have them. But I know in my heart, I found my voice, I spoke my truth, and this is how I saved my thyroid. 

Comments are welcome 🙂

 

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11 thoughts on “SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH – How being true to myself and finding my voice saved my thyroid

  1. LOVE this post!!!!!! This is really timely for me to read. I am doing lots of work right now on hearing myself and finding my voice. Thank you for your openness – so inspiring 🙂

  2. I am so happy for you….I hope I heal just as well as you did. Your story had to be hard to write, but it will change others lives..thanks.

  3. Thank you for sharing your story! I really needed to read it! I am also a recovering bulimic and was diagnosed with a low thyroid as of September 2013. I was out on levothyroxine and don’t always feel better. I have been depressed for a long time and totally stressed. I have never really liked myself and beat myself up with a negative internal monologue since childhood. I also get what you mean about changing for guys! Since I was a teen I have worn so many hats and had boyfriends and friends come and go. Mostly I leave because I am not filling the void. The void I was filling with food. But I guess I always thought the right boyfriend could come along and save me. What I have never realized is I need to save myself.
    So here I am 36 years old and have ended the purging for 4 years now. I do have a supportive boyfriend but things are missing BIG TIME in my life!!

    I need to FIND MY TRUTH! I started my current job a year ago. I thought a little more money and security would help me. Wrong! It is the worst job for me! I am a people person, a true empath. I too am creative and I now sit in a cubicle all day punching numbers. I don’t talk and I am micro managed as they monitor my productivity!! I don’t talk to anyone because there is no socializing at my job. I hate it.

    I feel like my soul is dying. I don’t have friends outside of work either because I have isolated myself due to my depression.

    The years are going by and each year since I was about 23 years old have been progressively worse for depression and anxiety. I have no idea what I want I just know it is never what is around me.

    I want to make my heart sing! I just don’t know how anymore. I am so far down this hole I have lost who I am.

    I am now on a dick leave from work because I just could not do it anymore. I put on more weight and I feel like I have denied myself of a life that I deserved and dreamed of ( mostly due to my low self-esteem).

    My thyroid problem is a real ref flag that the stress of over-thinking and pushing down my own truths is making me physically ill.

    I know have no energy, more depressed and I fear I will not ever have children. I am getting older and it’s hard enough to conceive without these health issues.

    I have robbed myself of a good life but I feel if is not to late!! I want to make a change and I think changing my job might be a start.

    Again thanks for posting your story. I feel low right now but I do feel inspired. I know just need to do something I love. I just don’t know what?? I think leaving my job may be the first step. I also have seemed counselling and taking holistic approaches to healing, I am starting to become gluten free because I read it can treat auto immune hashimotos, that suspect I have. I am doing my best to educate myself and ask my doctor the right questions too.

    I hope someday I get to where you are.

    • That’s “sick” leave not dick leave!! Lol I thought I proof read this! It’s definitely not a dick leave as I have no sex due to low libido!!! Ha ha. Sorry about te Ty-po

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