Hello All :)
So as you know most all of this blog has been about how a change in diet saved my thyroid. I am now realizing that it wasn’t JUST the diet, but SPEAKING MY TRUTH was just as effective in clearing any and all of the negative energy I was storing in my throat chakra, and subsequentlly, my thyroid.
For those of you who don’t know about chakras I advise you to do a little research as I don’t want to get into “what a chakra is” in this post.
Since I was 19, I have suffered from BULIMIA and DRUG ADDICTION. The bulimia stemmed from pure self-hatred, for no other reason than I am a perfectionist, and I could not forgive myself for f*cking up my life (rather I led myself to believe I f*cked up my life by choosing food, alcohol and/or drugs to cope with stress instead of just dealing with everything life handed to me).
I didn’t want to write about this before, cause who wants to bring up all of their shit and post it on the internet for the world to see? Surely not me. However, in the past few months I have gone through SO MANY CHANGES, I felt like I was doing a disservice by withholding this information about my past. I had so much shame, regret, and disgust for myself, I couldn’t admit my struggles without feeling like I was going to be judged, because ultimately I was judging MYSELF.
Months 3 through 7 of this diet were f*cking horrible. The restriction triggered bingeing, and I fell into a pattern I couldn’t break out of. It had been years since I had been in a binge/purge cycle like that, and it was just downright embarrassing. I didn’t want to admit that I needed help. I couldn’t even admit that I needed help. So instead of reaching out I ate and puked (not vegan, mind you) fast food every night for almost 4 months. I stayed up all night and slept from noon til 6pm every day. I drank in the morning. I basically drank until I passed out. I can admit this now because this is THE LAST TIME I am ever putting myself through that hell again.
Of course since I was hiding this from everyone (including my boyfriend, who I was living with), no one was able to help me, and I continued to lie to everyone’s face and profess that I was “fine”. I was not fine. Nothing about months 3 through 7 were fine. Thank God I dragged myself out of it. I don’t know how, I don’t even really know when. I just came to a point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And decided to help myself.
I went back to eating only vegan foods, but I allowed myself to eat bread, soy, and sugar. It was the only way I could be OK with the diet and not feel like I was depriving myself.
Throughout this time I stopped taking all of the supplements, because I was seeing them come back up in my vomit (gross, I know) and I felt like I was throwing money down the drain (I already WAS throwing money down the drain but it’s easier for me to justify throwing up McDonald’s than throwing up expensive supplements).
Almost immediately I started getting better. I stopped focusing ALL OF MY ATTENTION on food and started focusing on healing. I got out of the house, got a job, got 3 actually, and stopped feeling sorry for myself. Having money in my pocket and getting out of my head really helped re-build my self-esteem. So as my esteem built, I gained more confidence, started making friends, started singing again, started wearing clothes that were actually brightly colored and not black, etc.
All of this happened very quickly, almost too quickly. Before I knew it, I was happy. And I was Shauna again. Happy, loud, exuberant, crazy, silly, ridiculous Shauna. Unfortunately this was not the person I had become during my relationship. I had a really bad pattern of choosing assholes who treated me like garbage – basically because I was treating myself like garbage, so why should I expect anyone to treat me differently? My (now ex-) boyfriend was the nicest guy I had ever met, he was so amazing, and I changed for him. I became the person he wanted to have a relationship with, unknowing that that person was NOT in alignment with my true self. He wanted a housewife, someone who blended into the background, who stayed home and cooked dinner, who never went out or even thought of going out or doing anything without him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but that is NOT who I am. I am crazy. I am very alternative. I am extremely self-aware. I am a Leo! I am a drama queen. I LOVE being the center of attention. I LOVE standing out. And I want to have a career as a musician. Which means I won’t be home every night to cook dinner. I am unconventional. And there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I am who I am. I LOVE who I am. And I’m sick of changing myself. No one ever even asked me too! I just didn’t love myself enough to realize I was in a toxic relationship. Don’t get me wrong, this is NOT my ex’s fault, he did nothing wrong. He clearly stated what he wanted when we first started dating. I just wasn’t strong enough to tell him that in my heart, I wasn’t really any of the things he wanted. It took me 4 years to realize that. And he is NOT the first guy I’ve changed for. I did it with EVERY GUY I ever dated. I’m the f*cked up one. Not him.
So there you have it, THE REAL TRUTH. I can only admit it now because I FINALLY don’t give a shit if you don’t like me after reading all of that. That is my truth. I am done being a people pleaser. It got me NOWHERE.
SO, after I realized all of this I moved out, quit my job, quit everything that wasn’t in alignment with what I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN I HAVE WANTED – to be a rock star. And I’m good. I’m a great writer. My original songs are f*cking awesome. And I’m finally letting them come out instead of stuffing them down and puking them out.
Today, I have never felt better, and I don’t feel the slightest bit sick.
I am going to get my labs done in in a few weeks, I will post the results as soon as I have them. But I know in my heart, I found my voice, I spoke my truth, and this is how I saved my thyroid.
Comments are welcome :)